Blessing

Hey folks,

I am going to make a paradoxical statement. I think that this diagnosis *could* be the best thing that has ever happened to me (comes in third actually, after my birth and the fact that I naturally don't like chocolate). I have heard a lot of people talk about an illness or something bad that happens to them and say that they feel so fortunate about it because it has somehow transformed them. Every time, I would think "I don't know what those guys are on but it must be real good"- perhaps because I figured that this was what they needed to believe in order to carry on. I think that I understand much better what they might have tried to say. I also believe them now. I don't quite feel the same (I am having a hard time accepting the possibility of infertility) but I am starting to believe them.

I also feel lucky that things are moving slowly. They allow me to take it all in at my own pace and mature both my thoughts and feelings. I realize that this may be a very selfish attitude because I am sure that this situation is also very tough on all of you. Hopefully after reading this you will feel a little better!

I am going to try to explain how I feel - I don't expect you to believe me. I wouldn't have believed myself two days ago.

Here are a few differences between my reaction to this event Vs. to some other tough things that have happened (such as my Dad's death when I was even shorter than I am today, meningitis and the boredom of the same bedroom for months, a close family friend dying of the flu, some PTSD-related events, even being dumped by my ex. The whale thing was a vacation so it doesn't count. In general, anything happening near Hawaii does not qualify as drama).
- I am not trying to act as if nothing had happened (for me to take it easy at work is a premiere!!)
- I felt compelled to tell everyone and thie overflow is support feels wonderful
- I am not trying to find means to keep myself busy and not face the situation
- I am curious about how this event is changing the way I FEEL about myself/others
- I am not trying to look like a hero and pretend that I am perfect
- I am not worried about how people will perceive me (not anymore. Early on, I was really concerned about how men would perceive me after this. Like a half-woman? I would elaborate all these nightmare scenarios in which I would try to date a guy and he would always walk away the minute he'd discover that I am sterile. Worse! In this nightmare scenario, I would think that he would be absolutely right to act like this!!! I really felt that my identity as a woman was going to be altered forever. I find this silly now).

The strangest thing is that this is a time when I feel extremely vulnerable and strong at the same time. With all the previous events, my sense of personal security was affected but I excelled at building a fence around it, to give me the illusion that everything was cool. Maybe it is a mini-representation of life events - haven't you ever felt betrayed (by your body, by God, by friends, destiny, etc...) when something bad has happened to you? Haven't you looked back at some tough experiences and realized that you have grown tremendously through them?

What may be the most difficult in all of this is that I repeatedly hear people say that past the "one shot" (eg surgery), there may be nothing to do, or rather, nothing proven. I feel that we all like it when there's a battle with a well-defined enemy toward whom we can point our guns. We may feel scared but our bravery often expresses itself through some kind of heroic action. So long as we are doing something, not everything is lost. This is probably how I found the whole whale experience rather fun and interesting. There always was something for us to try. At no point in time was our situation REALLY desperate.

Anyway :) One step at a time! I wish you the most wonderful weekend!!