Three Weeks Of Near Normal Life
OK - I have a follow up appointment with Oncologist #2 next Friday and a follow up with Oncologist #3 the following Tuesday but other than that, the next three weeks leading to the trachelectomy should be pretty quiet.
I expect Oncologist #3 to agree with the other numbers (eg. the trachelectomy and a potential treatment should buy enough time to go through a pregnancy). I am sure that she will say that anything that's not a radical hysterectomy at this time is risky and it will be difficult for them to quantify that risk.
BTW - it's OK to post comments on this blog. This may encourage group discussions :)
So how do I feel?
Uncertainty was scary. There is still a fair amount of uncertainty now since most people don't really know what's safe and what's not but we are now dealing with something that has a name...I can dream of a sarcoma and punch it in the face a couple of times a day, or send the cats on a group attack.
Now that I know what it is, strangely enough, I do not fear for my life at all. There isn't 100% chance of survival, it is a little known cancer and it typically has a high relapse rate but so what. It's curable and somehow, I'll manage.
What seems to be the most difficult thing for me to accept is any potential loss of fertility. For a short while, the thought of babies or the sight of babies was unbearable and would cause me to break down in tears. Nothing else seemed to matter. My whole body was in revolt. When the first oncologist hinted at the possibility of racing through a pregnancy (even with reduced chances of success after a trachelectomy) prior to doing anything definitive, I became almost insanely focused on that goal. This strong biological need, fed by a sense of urgency, took enormous proportions. Everything else became secondary. When the oncologist would say "this is the risky approach", I would hear "it's possible, let's do it". I would read furiously through mountains of scientific articles about sarcoma, all of them pointing to the aggressiveness of the disease and the difficulty to treat it if surgery is not an option but I was thinking that they were all talking about a different sarcoma, not mine.
When oncologist #2 initially ruled out the 'wait time' between the trachelectomy (and potential treatment) and the hysterectomy (and probably more treatment), I felt like I had just lost a child. When they changed their mind and admitted that a trachelectomy may buy enough time for a pregnancy to happen, I was back in heaven!!!
So cancer meant nothing to me and fertility meant everything. Still does.
Things are not as bad now. I feel more relaxed about the whole thing but this need has not completely disappeared. Having gone through an IVF cycle probably contributed to increased peace of mind.
The most wonderful thing throughout this little adventure is how much closer I feel to my friends or people in general. First, there was a small group of people who so generously offered their unconditional support. Even when I would get bad news (fertility-wise), this team kept me going. Their e-mails, calls or visits would keep me strong, no matter what.
Initially, I was very shy about this. It felt too personal, almost intimate. Now, after so many casual conversations with oncologists, after so many personal reflections and prayers, it feels so natural. I had to tell people, and it was liberating to provide as much detail as possible.
As I shared the news of my disease, I was overwhelmed by responses. Most offered support of course but quite a few contained very personal information. As I had decided to open my heart, people felt compelled to respond in a similar manner. This outpouring of trust did not confine itself to cancer stories. People talked about relationship issues, about their family, their couple, their fears and doubts. I felt so honored to receive these confessions. My story looks pale in comparison.
I feel extremely strong now. I can talk without any shame about this disease. I can take in whatever will come my way and I feel so extraordinarily fortunate to be among so many wonderful people.
I can only be thankful for cancer to have taught me one of the most important life lessons!
I expect Oncologist #3 to agree with the other numbers (eg. the trachelectomy and a potential treatment should buy enough time to go through a pregnancy). I am sure that she will say that anything that's not a radical hysterectomy at this time is risky and it will be difficult for them to quantify that risk.
BTW - it's OK to post comments on this blog. This may encourage group discussions :)
So how do I feel?
Uncertainty was scary. There is still a fair amount of uncertainty now since most people don't really know what's safe and what's not but we are now dealing with something that has a name...I can dream of a sarcoma and punch it in the face a couple of times a day, or send the cats on a group attack.
Now that I know what it is, strangely enough, I do not fear for my life at all. There isn't 100% chance of survival, it is a little known cancer and it typically has a high relapse rate but so what. It's curable and somehow, I'll manage.
What seems to be the most difficult thing for me to accept is any potential loss of fertility. For a short while, the thought of babies or the sight of babies was unbearable and would cause me to break down in tears. Nothing else seemed to matter. My whole body was in revolt. When the first oncologist hinted at the possibility of racing through a pregnancy (even with reduced chances of success after a trachelectomy) prior to doing anything definitive, I became almost insanely focused on that goal. This strong biological need, fed by a sense of urgency, took enormous proportions. Everything else became secondary. When the oncologist would say "this is the risky approach", I would hear "it's possible, let's do it". I would read furiously through mountains of scientific articles about sarcoma, all of them pointing to the aggressiveness of the disease and the difficulty to treat it if surgery is not an option but I was thinking that they were all talking about a different sarcoma, not mine.
When oncologist #2 initially ruled out the 'wait time' between the trachelectomy (and potential treatment) and the hysterectomy (and probably more treatment), I felt like I had just lost a child. When they changed their mind and admitted that a trachelectomy may buy enough time for a pregnancy to happen, I was back in heaven!!!
So cancer meant nothing to me and fertility meant everything. Still does.
Things are not as bad now. I feel more relaxed about the whole thing but this need has not completely disappeared. Having gone through an IVF cycle probably contributed to increased peace of mind.
The most wonderful thing throughout this little adventure is how much closer I feel to my friends or people in general. First, there was a small group of people who so generously offered their unconditional support. Even when I would get bad news (fertility-wise), this team kept me going. Their e-mails, calls or visits would keep me strong, no matter what.
Initially, I was very shy about this. It felt too personal, almost intimate. Now, after so many casual conversations with oncologists, after so many personal reflections and prayers, it feels so natural. I had to tell people, and it was liberating to provide as much detail as possible.
As I shared the news of my disease, I was overwhelmed by responses. Most offered support of course but quite a few contained very personal information. As I had decided to open my heart, people felt compelled to respond in a similar manner. This outpouring of trust did not confine itself to cancer stories. People talked about relationship issues, about their family, their couple, their fears and doubts. I felt so honored to receive these confessions. My story looks pale in comparison.
I feel extremely strong now. I can talk without any shame about this disease. I can take in whatever will come my way and I feel so extraordinarily fortunate to be among so many wonderful people.
I can only be thankful for cancer to have taught me one of the most important life lessons!
posted by Finance Monkey at 11:34 AM
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