Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Getting Ready For The Hospital

Two people (my therapist and a friend) have suggested another theory, not the control freak one. This also got me thinking.

If I am to pick a name for this new theory, I think that "Denial" would fit quite well.

Here are pieces of evidence scattered around the place that seem to support this theory.
- I seem to be wanting to justify the fact that the magnitude of the problem is small
- I seem to be putting off decisions, and hoping that they are made for me (eg, trachelectomy without clear margins would shut down Option 2)
- I seem to desperately identify reasons why Option 2 is not risky (why would doctors be willing to pursue a course that entailed significant danger)
- I push back any "definitive" treatment to the last minute (Oncologists telling me that my cervix had to go now and my asking if it would be possible to wait through a pregnancy. We did not continue down that path after they replied that it would be suicidal. Or my choosing the later surgery date for the trachelectomy on the emotional grounds of keeping my cervix a bit longer - Hey, I care about my cervix!!)
- The fact that I am making frequent appeals to authority (various articles and studies I keep looking at) could mean that I just want to defer to others when it comes to decisions
- I am making constant requests for input, advice and support - and if I were a control-freak, I would display a solid/self-confident facade

These people noticed that I seem to be trying to take the minimum action possible (I feel that I have been quote proactive...) which would suggest denial, avoidance and self-deception more than control-freak. I guess that this is something else that I will ponder over. It feels strange to deny a reality by telling everyone about it...

On another note, I have been referred to a neurologist to investigate some headaches that I have been having for a little while and which don't seem to be linked to any medication

Before I head out to the hospital, I have to:
- Get some boat stuff ready so that the crew can keep going and get ready for the next event
- Do some ironing which I didn't finish last night. Better have some bed linen ready for my "guests"
- Go through my mail (medical bills for the most part...)
- Do some grocery shopping that I don't have an empty fridge when people turn up. Would be really bad for the reputation of the French
- Call the hospital to find out about the exact time of the surgery and call my "chauffeur" to let her know
- Feed the cats a nice pile of wet food to celebrate their 3-day emancipation
- Prepare 10 pieces of paper with numbers from 0 to 10 written on them so I can display the pain level evidently on the bed. Will save me from having to answer their questions all the time.

Thank you for all the good thoughts, prayers and support that you have been sending me! I feel so spoiled! I will take all of this with me to the hospital!

I was asked about entertainment options by my "home helpers"

"- I don't have TV but I have a computer/video projector and DVDs + a Netflix subscription. Feel free to bring your favorite movie if you like Tom Cruise.
- I have a ton of CDs and an iPod. Feel free to bring CDs/iPod/iPhone if you believe that my taste is a bit odd...
- I have a pack of cards and a few games, including juggling equipment...Feel free to bring your own if you actually want to win
- The cats are professional entertainers. Feel free to bring a mouse or a dog as designated volunteers
- I have books, magazines and comics (well, not very many) but feel free to bring a copy of The New Yorker as I don't have the latest issue
- I will have drinks (esp. wine) but feel free to bring any of the most current substances
- I have a piano if you are so inclined but feel free to bring a set of drums if the neighbors are annoying to you
- I have a phone if you'd like to chat with someone else after you realize that it's impossible to have a serious conversation with me

If you are still bored after all of the above, we can come up with random indispensable tasks such as measuring the perimeter of my living-room with teaspoons."

Cats have food and water. I have some clothes on. Ready to go.
And frankly this "you need to have someone with you for 24hr for a week after you get home" sounds like cheap outsourcing to me. If I need 24hr care, shouldn't I be in the hospital? The only requirement for these home nursing people is to be able to make a phone call. I am sure that we can find hospital staff to do that.

Talk to you whenever I get an Internet connection going again. God bless.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Dilemna...

Interesting Powerpoint on Sarcomas.

If you don't have time to read all hundred of slides :) You could read slides 6, 102 and 103.
Bottom line:
Sarcomas are rare tumors of the uterus
Adenosarcoma is the rarest type of uterine sarcomas
It seems to be lower grade than carcinosarcoma (eg won't spread as fast which is probably because the carcinosarcoma must have some of the "carcinoma" feature, eg one tumor in one site and spread fast from there)

And a much simpler powerpoint (pretty clear and nicely laid out, with pictures!!)
Although a bit dated

General note for all types of uterine sarcomas:
Limited data
Rapidly growing (doubling time is 4 weeks)
tend to be increasing

"

Specifically for adenosarcomas:
"- both malignant stromal and benign epithelial components
- a significantly increased occurence of this tumor (Seidman et al, 1999)
- present as polypoid masses"

"Because of their rarity, uterine sarcomas are not suitable for screening."

"Surgery is the only curative therapy for uterine sarcomas (2003)"
(with or without adjuvant therapy)

"five year survivals (2001) across all types of uterine sarcomas
Surgery Alone (46%)
Surgery and Radiotherapy (62%)
Surgery and Chemotherapy (43%)
Radiation Alone (8%)"

Surgery + Chemo + Radiation seems to be working better for other types of tumor.
Author notes that there isn't enough sample to really use these numbers (esp across different types, grades, etc...)

"Three-year local recurrent rates
- No adjuvant treatment: 62%
- Whole pelvis external beam radiation therapy: 31%
- Chemotherapy alone: 71%"

But people don't agree. Massachusset General thinks that adjuvant therapy has no impact on recurrence rate, other studies showed that cure rate was similar for those treated with surgery alone or followed by radiation, regardless of the stage of the disease.

"Recurrent Disease:
- Most relapses occur in the pelvis, followed by lung and abdomen
- Currently no standard therapy for patients with recurrent disease"

Only for uterine sarcomas (post-aggressive treatment):
"The 5-year survival rate was 33% for LMS, 38% for uterine MMMT, 57% for ESS, 69% for adenosarcoma and 30% for ovarian MMMT."

http://www.diva-portal.org/liu/abstract.xsql?dbid=4990

But from 1999...I am told that for adenosarcoma, it probably holds since I am told that there was no research, no progress and virtually no additional data between 1974 (year of discovery of adenosarcoma) and now...

And an article about an adenosarcoma survivor

http://www.wweek.com/editorial/3046/5515/

In this case it started in her abdomen, but looks like it's the same type.

and highlights below:

"June: During a follow-up exam, her gynecologist finds a hard mass. A CT scan shows a rare aggressive cancer, called adenosarcoma, in her abdomen spreading to her lungs. She begins chemotherapy in mid-June. Doctors discover her esophagus is bleeding (attributed, in part, to heavy use of anti-inflammatory drugs to combat back pain) and her kidneys are failing (from the chemo)."

"

Now you didn't go through chemo with the breast cancer, just radiation.

With the breast--right. Because the cancer hadn't burst out. But what I have now is a sarcoma, which is very, very different, because it's very aggressive, very invasive. It can spread very easily. And when they discovered it, they thought they took it all out, but then they found out that it had actually grown.

JS: And this is a pretty rare form of cancer, right?

Yeah. You go on the Web, well, there's hardly anything on it. In books, they don't even discuss it. There's maybe 12 cases in the country. There are a couple of clinical trials--very, very small ones. And the prognosis is God-awful. Chemotherapy doesn't help. Radiation doesn't help.

You say the prognosis is awful. How awful?

Some people live two years. Some people die before the two-year period. So it's really not terribly good. The oncologist asked, "What's your goal?" I said my goal is to finish my term. I said to her, 'You keep me alive until Dec. 31."

Brilliant!

Had a really nice weekend. Most of Saturday was spent doing housework and various sailing-related shopping. Ironing, laundry, cleaning up cat mess, mail/bills, reading, etc...I find this routine very soothing. At other times, it would probably annoy me and I would want to expedite it as quickly as possible. Now it's a solid, repetitive set of activities that just looks like normality...Life as usual! I also went out for a run. I hadn't run in a long time (last surgery + IVF cycle kept me off exercise for a little while) so I went out for only 30 minutes but up three hills :) Very sore legs the day after :) but I am definitely going back tonight. This is one of the things that I miss most! (not the sore legs, the exercise!)

Sunday was a double-handed practice on the boat. Well, it was supposed to be a race but we lost the gas cap for the engine and couldn't beat the ebb to go to the start line. It was a lot of fun. Much more active than with a full crew since two people have to do the job of five but so cool! I managed to do a quadruple wrap around three different lines (forestay, topping lift and pole cables) on my second spinnaker gybe. No one got hurt and nothing got broken :) When I am on the boat, I have to pay attention to really short term items, whatever is happening at that time so it takes my mind off any other problems! I find it very relaxing...even though it is physically and mentally demanding! At work, I am constantly tempted to check out some new articles, visit some sarcoma-related message boards, follow a link that some friend might send...So I can't concentrate on much else than sarcoma...

The other problem with work is that I really can't do as much as I used to, and even focusing on top top level priorities does not seem to be enough. On the one hand, it is useful to meet people and I really enjoy doing my job. On the other hand, it is frustrating because I can't really get excited about a project which competes in my mind with other worries. And I see all these cool developments without realistically being a part of them.

***********************

OK...I wanted to continue a dialogue here. I am wondering if there's anyone else who thinks like me or if I am hearing things that no one else can hear. I will still go ahead with the trachelectomy, there really seems to be no downside in doing this and it is the most urgent thing that needs to happen.

It really seems to me that this isn't such a big deal given that it was found early and that the most aggressive tumor has already been taken out. Otherwise I guess that I don't understand why doctors would even think about option #2.
It sounds like all doctors agree that ultimately, I will need a hysterectomy. There also seems to be some sort of consensus around recommendations, in that option #2 may be a viable option, and will allow me to go through a pregnancy.
When challenged with a more aggressive treatment view, Oncologist #2 replied "I am quite willing to be more aggressive but it may not be necessary at this time." It sounds to me as if she was worried that I would do something definitive that is not warranted (yet). She also changed her opinion from "hysterectomy ASAP and probably radiation" to Option #2 after she discussed my case at tumor board.

What am I missing?
Any other oncologist you know who would have a different opinion?
What is your opinion? Am I being over-optimistic?
I have shared all the information I have gathered and gave as accurate a transcript of my conversations with doctors as my memory allows me to.

Here are some pros and cons that I have picked up through research/chats with oncologists.
Let me know if I am missing anything.

Cons
- Sarcomas are tricky to treat because they spread without doctors noticing.
- It's a rare disease and there is no case history so treatment is experimental
- Chemotherapy/radiation is not proven to work (because there isn't enough data to find out what works)
- there is no standard therapy for recurrent disease (eg, officially recurrent adenosarcoma is incurable)
- Mine is listed as "atypical" sarcoma. Not all pathology labs agree on the diagnosis and type of cancer
- Seems that risk cannot be quantified
- Final staging diagnosis/prognosis can only be established after biopsy of the uterus (and removal of the uterus)

Pros
- Out of all the uterine sarcomas I have read about, adenosarcomas have the fairest prognosis. (LMS has a poor prognosis because it starts deeper in the uterine tissues and is closer to the extra-uterine region, and it spreads faster to that area. MMMT are really bad because they have both carcinoma and sarcoma features. ESS high grade spread so fast that chemo can't keep up with it (and human bodies need time to recover from each chemo cycle). Granted, there is little data (some 12 people over 20 years, or some 3 people in Scandinavia) and I also sometimes bump across an article that talks about how aggressive the disease is.
If it was that aggressive, I don't understand why doctors would support the "wait" option
- All doctors I spoke to entertain option #2 (trachelectomy now, pregnancy, then back to option 1 of hysterectomy with maybe adjuvant treatment) with close monitoring so they can manage the disease
- Most sarcomas start as low grade (eg low mitotic count, hehe, this means that the growth rate or number of new cells is lower than for high grade tumors. Low grade tumors have a mitotic count that is already erratic, eg, they fall in the malignant categories because this growth rate is higher than what it should be, but it is not as aggressive as it could be. The grade increases with the size of the tumor as it is an exponential growth curve) so don't grow as fast as for example carcinoma in early stages (apart from some even more abnormal ones)
- Most aggressive part is removed - the cervix where many other cancer cells have been confirmed will be removed on Thursday
- Scans have shown no other visible growth in the uterus/ovaries after polypectomy and main tumor removal.
- If after the removal of the main tumor, this was such an aggressive cancer, I don't think that even the IVF cycle would have been considered.
- Because it is so difficult to detect, a lot of people find out about it only in more advances stages (it could still be a stage I but an already bigger tumor, hence a more aggressive sarcoma). So the dire stats could well apply to these people but not to my case.
- If the margins are not clear after the trachelectomy, there will be no more Option #2
- I did not come up with option 2 in the first place; Oncologist #1 brought it up first as an option. If he had said, hysterectomy and no discussion, then I would have accepted it.
So Option 2 is a physician's suggestion!

Here's a friend'ss opinion, substantiated by arguments, which he has agreed to share on this blog.

When I forwarded some positive stats (fair prognosis) from a recent article (2007)
"The numbers are "tentative" because of the large number of relevant factors compared to the sample size. They are not "true" or "untrue".
"This excerpt is clearly taken out of context. They say that their study examines THREE cases. Based on that, you can't call distant metastasis very rare. So either you've taken something out of context or they're stating invalid conclusions. I'm not saying that you've deliberately pulled out a selective quote, but I assume that this is an article abstract or something."
(article available at:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?db=pubmed&cmd=Retrieve&dopt=AbstractPlus&list_uids=17292949&query_hl=1&itool=pubmed_docsum)

When I say that I think that this whole thing is "no biggies"
"Your last sentence is one of a few lately that I am certain ALL of the doctors you have spoken with would disagree with you about. They have used words like "reasonable" which take your own preferences (and their own lack of certainty as to what is going to happen) into account. There's a reason that there would be NO doubt as to the appropriate treatment if you were 50, or even 35 with 3 kids and no desire for more.
You are considering a very serious gamble, and no one knows the odds.
Remember the phrases like "patient understands the risks"? They may not know exactly how high the risks are, but they are NOT saying that the situation is "no big deal".
[...]
"Your doctors are still arguing about exactly which disease it is-doesn't that scare you?"

Debating whether or not, it has spread to the uterus (or started there which I found hard to believe)
"A polyp starts bleeding in your uterus. It is cut out. Some labs identify it as cancerous.
A few months later, you have a definite diagnosis of cancer in your cervix. The type is open to a bit of debate, but the most likely candidate is a cancer which in known medicine has always arisen first in the uterus." (documented as having started in the cervix in only 2% of the uterine adenosarcoma cases...given that there are some 12 cases overall, it's not much :))

On my arguing that there is time because growth rate seems to be pretty low
"Timing is linked to growth rate and metastasis, but we don't know which clock we're syncronized to. I also don't know whether the new seeds start out the least malignant level again or whether they are more dangerous. The very low probability of survival if the cancer recurs even once sounds to me as if the seeds are quite dangerous to miss in the first surgery."

Describing option 2 Vs option 1:
"they want your uterus out ASAP, and are negotiating on whether it gets used once first."
"It's not the growth that scares me. It's the hopping/metastasis, and the fact that it likely already has done so. If they didn't think it was spread around yet, then why would they be negotiating only timing and not whether a hysteresctomy was necessary at all? To beat the recurrence, it sounds like the only way to win is to cut one step ahead of the tumor."

And his last comment on the subject of my positive filtering:
"I'm not saying that option 1 makes the situation "no big deal" from a risk point of view either.
From what I've seen, I believe that there's significnt danger either way, and that option 2 is considerably more dangerous than option 1."

Another friend made a very interesting remark in her e-mail to me. She is also a cancer survivor so this may be something that she's experienced.

She says that she can understand a portion of my agony, and that my desire to have a baby is linked to the standard "human" reasons (birthing experience, genetic perpetuation, biological need, etc...). However, she wonders if by deciding to have a baby, despite all the health issues, I am not trying to feel/exert control over the situation.

She believes that cancer is all about loss of control. Cells behave abnormally. Our body cannot dictate the pace at which they multiply, our body cannot kill them (or more exactly, cancer cells do not commit suicide like well-disciplined cells). Our body is not in control. We are not in control physically. By making decision and by feeling in control of those decisions, we may regain a sense of mastery over the disease, even if it is an illusion.
This friend recommends to surrender to this reality, somehow trust that whatever happens happens for a good reason and believe that I will be made stronger through this experience.

I will ponder over this.

I am still struggling because Option 2 was a physician's suggestion so it appears to be OK to me, as if it was a reality I could accept. In a way, I think that I want to go through the trachelectomy to see if the decision will be made for me. If the margins are not clear, Option 2 disappears and there is no more struggle. If the margins are not clear - which may mean absolutely nothing in the case of a sarcoma, then I will challenge again this approach.

Another chat with the East Coast Oncologist - here are notes from that conversation (third-hand notes so hopefully not too distorted)

Oncologists #2 doesn't agree with the other labs on the cancer type. has come up with an alternate diagnosis.
Here's what this oncologist has to say about them.
peripheral nerve sheath: without a lot more data, it seems unlikely as such a tumor is pure sarcoma. Adeno means that it starts in the glands (endometrium, colon, prostate, lung, etc...). Peripheral nerve sheath tumor would be starting in supporting tissue (mesenchymal) and not be expected to demonstrate adeno characteristics.
spindle cell tumor = this is also sarcoma so same recommendations as with adenosarcoma should hold.

In short, both of these diagnosis are more sarcoma-like than the adenosarcoma. In the adenosarcoma, it's the sarcoma part that's evil. The adeno portion is the benign portion. This oncologist doesn't believe that classification is as important as the fact that there are sarcoma features present. This is what makes it mean! Adenosarcoma is typically hard to diagnose because it is heterogenous/a mix of benign and malignant and has this hopping habit, hence creates perfectly healthy areas. So if pathologists look at an ambiguous sample, they might find different diagnoses and recommended treatments.
If there's any questions about the pathology, best pathology referral agency for someone your age (military age) is the Armed Forces Institute of Pathology (AFIP). They have an absolutely
incredible reference file on people late teens to early 40's. Little doubt in his mind that they're the best in the world. So I could send some new tumor tissue sample to them.

About the "Big Deal" question
Everyone will agree that "this isn't good". Some might be pessimistic, some more optimistic but everyone should agree that it is serious.
He still maintains that in his opinion, the best chance of survival is aggressive surgery. The more variations on the sarcoma theme he hears, the more convinced he is of the aggressive surgery.

About "Why would doctors recommend an unsafe treatment?"
He thinks that doctors can be scared of making the conservative (safe) recommendation and having an angry patient later. When situation is less clear, the doctor is less likely to really come down solidly on one side.
He can't say that six weeks is an incremental risk but he thinks that six months certainly is.

In his case, he prefers to give an initial diagnosis and options when the patient is accompanied by a relative/friend/social worker/etc, because the patient never hears it all. The bigger the group the better. He feels that it is hard for both patient and doctor to be neutral as doctors are influenced by patient's desires which detract them from being objective.
He believes that I am having a substantial influence on my doctors' recommendations. From where he stands (granted far away), he doesn't think there's a whole lot of objectivity going on here.

Also, in his opinion, doctors have signalled to me that they disapprove.

About the trachelectomy approach
Removing the cervix = a good start but not enough (especially after he saw the recommendations and various diagnosis from the tumor boards). It may be possible to preserve the ovaries and physicians should try to do that. Other than that, he would really recommend the big surgery, ASAP. If I were a close relative, we wouldn't be having this discussion (eg, hysterectomy would not be questioned).
He stated that life _WAS_ being jeopardized by delaying surgery, that even with definitive surgery, survival was not guaranteed. There is no doubt in his mind that this is the best shot at survival I will ever get.
He believes that I still have a chance to be cured and survive (past surgery and potential adjuvant therapy, there is no known cure for this type of cancer) and he wants me to have the best chance.
He added that if I wanted to sacrifice some of that chance to have a baby that I might not be around for, that's my prerogative. I should know that a serious risk to my life is involved. It sounds like no one can say what kind of deal, but "no big deal" is definitely not applicable.
Unfortunately, this is a statistics game where there's no way to plot me as a specific point on the graph because of the lack of history. To give me an idea of this "unquantifiable risk", he used another cancer for which there is a lot of data available. With a melanoma (most deadly cancer type), a wait of 2 years would double the chances of being dead (which probably don't start very low in the first place). Sarcoma is worse than most other types of cancer so he's not very optimistic about the number. Adeno would give wiggle room, but sarcoma does not.

When both features (adeno and sarcoma) can be seen, it probably is a relatively primitive cell that turned malignant. Apparently (and there - this is Nat talking - I don't think that I understand the following sentence...If it were in Chinese, it might be easier) Mullerian duct is primitive, undifferentiated tissue that develops into the genital tract, which is why we see the adenosarcoma characteristic.

His Bottom Line:
1) I should never go to one of these appointments alone. There should ALWAYS be a second set of ears.
2) Any kind of stalling is a mistake.

My Next Steps
So, I will still go through the trachelectomy because I believe that there is no downside, potentially upside (negative margins so no more struggle) or more information as more sample.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

More info about sarcomas

http://www.curesarcoma.org/aboutSarcoma.htm
http://www.curesarcoma.org/treatment.htm

Also found on a medical site about all uterus tumors:
"Adenosarcoma is a rare biphasic tumour which may occur at any age. It is a low-grade neoplasm, with a high potential for recurrence and metastasis. It is charaterized by benign epithelial and saromatous mesenchymal components." - there can actually be low grade and high grade tumors, not sure what neopaslam is...This site also says that the high cure rate for cervical/uterine cancers (even the most aggressive ones) is mainly due to the fact that most can be detected via screening, hence at very early stages. This does not hold true for sarcomas.

And why studies and data means very little...Also between 1982 and 1996, there has been some progress in treatment. So as Dr. Powell said "no data fits your case"...which means that doctors don't really know how this tumor will behave.

"Oncol Rep 1998 Jul-Aug;5(4):939-44 Abstract quote

The records of 41 patients diagnosed with adenosarcoma of the female genital tract between 1982 and 1996 were reviewed.

The median age at diagnosis is 51 years (range, 14-84). The most common symptom is vaginal bleeding (71%). Clinical signs at presentation include pelvic mass (37%), uterine polyps (29%), and enlarged uterus (22%). In 71% of patients, the tumor originates from the uterus. Other sites include ovary (15%), pelvis (12%), cervix (2%). [blah blah] Surgery is the mainstay of treatment, but platin-based chemotherapy given upfront in inoperable patient has definite efficacy. An overall response rate of 92.5% was observed after primary therapy (surgery with or without radiotherapy, and/or chemotherapy), with a median survival of 48 months (range, 1-174). Thirty-eight percent of patients had recurrent disease. The median time to recurrence is 12 months (range, 5-132). Although 60% of patients with recurrence achieved a complete remission after treatment, only 1 (8%) is alive without disease, and 3 (22%), with disease at the time of this analysis.

In our series, histologic sarcomatous overgrowth is a predictor of poor prognosis (p<0.03),> Adenosarcoma is a tumor with a fair prognosis. Most tumor can be cured with surgery, but recurrence carries a bad prognosis."

and

"Int J Gynecol Pathol 1995 Jul;14(3):223-9 Abstract quote

The clinical and pathologic features of 12 cervical adenosarcomas from the files of the Armed Forces Institute of Pathology are described.

[some blah blah]

This study demonstrates a favorable prognosis for patients with cervical adenosarcoma. Similar to patients with uterine adenosarcoma, prognosis is mostly affected by the presence of deep myometrial invasion."

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Pre-Op and Colon Cancer Patient

Hello Fuzzy Logic robots,

I talked recently with a colon cancer survivor. When she got diagnosed, she already had a little boy and she couldn't bear the idea of being taken away from her son. She sought many opinions, travelled to LA to meet specialists, pushed her case through various tumor boards.

Her main question was "what is the treatment that will give me the best chances of survival". This is what she ended up choosing. I don't know the details of the treatment but since I saw her yesterday, it was probably a good choice. She now has a beautiful boy, a rewarding job and what seems to be an extremely loving family. I think that she is wonderful.
OK. She has a dog. Nobody's perfect.

She had a few pieces of advice for me:
- the pain killers apparently cause constipation (that's bad news with a fissure...I am on my second round of these suppositories...one month was clearly not enough). My family doctor prescribed 2 more refills (total of 4 months of treatment) and if this doesn't do the trick, will consider surgery. There are two reasons for that. a) it's extremely painful and b) we don't want any rectal bleeding that is not caused by cancer to last for too long since women with uterine sarcomas are more likely to develop colon cancer, any early signs need to be easy to pick up on!
- do everything you can to treat the cancer early, this is when you have the best shot at a cure
- get everything that could remotely be cancerous out of your body ASAP
- cancer can be deceiving. Not feeling sick or not having any symptoms doesn't mean that it's not there, doing its thing and slowly invading you. A lot of people don't know they have cancer until it is diagnosed (often at a very late stage when it is not suspected).
- you have this wildcat type of cancer and it sounds like no one knows how it is going to behave so you shouldn't take any risks.
- Chemotherapy/radiation may not be proven solutions for your type of cancer because of lack of data and knowledge, but it probably won't hurt if you do it after your surgery (in my case, they wanted to try to do gene profiling to help them figure out what might work). I would try anything that has the slightest chance of preventing you from relapsing.
- No point in having a baby if it is to leave him/her alone after a few months

And we will probably have one more thing in common...Sounds like a yearly colonoscopy will be required.

This was my first in-person chat with a cancer survivor, and a very unexpected confidence. I feel extremely honored to be trusted with this. I admire her openness. It acted as a powerful incentive for me to share just about anything, even things I may have repressed for a long time. I am surprised at how easy it was to listen to her and talk about this. Somehow, nothing could get in the way of our communication. I felt very strongly drawn to her (I so desperately wanted to hug her!), very close - almost as if we were thinking the same thoughts, or feeling the same thing at the same time. It was a very powerful experience. I feel so grateful now!!

There are two main differences though. I don't have a beautiful boy right now and I would very much like to have one, one day (it will be just fine if it is a beautiful girl). And this cancer doesn't hold the same reality for me as it does for her, probably because I don't feel sick anymore (now that the main tumor was removed, my symptoms have gone away. The cervix still looks red, inflamed and hard and bleeds upon touch during GYN exams but thankfully, it is not part of my daily protocol...) Maybe after the next surgery will it start to feel like something I should worry about. So I couldn't grasp what her fear must have been like because I am not experiencing anything like this right now. Now, it could also be because after the little whale episode, I feel quite invicible.


I was sitting in front of the Cafe at the Cancer Center. Dr. Westphal just walked into this cafe. She must also prefer this food to the hospital cafeteria. Give it another couple of months and I'll greet everyone by name at this place. She came by to say hi and asked how I was doing. She's my hero :)

I had a scheduled appointment with the anesthesiologist the other day at 11AM at the hospital. I checked in 10 minutes earlier and then waited for an hour before I could be seen. After 10 minutes, I wondered where my usual personal assistant was because I wanted a drink but no one turned up.
Fortunately I had brought a book with me. Don Quijote de la Mancha, about 1,000 pages of old-style Spanish. Enough to put anyone to sleep so very appropriate in the pre-op
anesthesia prep area. Around noon, someone finally figured out how to pronounce my name and I got called in.

Lindsey was the nurse I first spoke to.
- Hi, my name is Lindsey and we are going to talk about your upcoming surgery. You're down in our computer for...
- Wow, that's very cool. I had never been in a computer before.
- Pardon me?
- Never mind

- OK, so you are down for a trachelectomy. And, Oooo, when did you get diagnosed with that!
- last year, why?
- That's a pretty rare one. The anesthesiologist has looked at your case history and doesn't believe that you need a prep talk with him. It's important to know about the PTSD diagnosis because this will help determine what drug to give you but this can be dealt with on the day of the surgery. However, if you have any specific questions, I'd be happy to have you talk to the doctor.
- Do you offer ice-chips?
- Pardon me?
- Never mind

- It looks like you are healthy apart from this tiny issue (I can't believe it, it's so random!) and you have talked to a lot of doctors recently. So we'll just do the blood test and the Chest X-ray which your surgeon has ordered and send you home. First let me go over the details of your stay with us next week.
Your oncologist has reserved two nights and three days in our facilities, and has booked the main operating room for 3 hours. You will need 1 to 2 hours in our post-surgery recovery room to wake up from the anesthesia after that and then you'll be taken to a semi-private room.
- what size bed?
- Pardon me?
- Never mind

You may be able to go home earlier but you should plan on spending the whole time in the hospital. Your current surgery time is 12:50pm, so you need to be at the hospital at 10:50am. However, this can change at the last minute, so we will call you the evening before to confirm. No food or drinks after midnight (if you are really thirsty, it's OK to have one or two glasses of clear liquids up to 7 hours prior to your scheduled surgery time) and you can take your morning medication with a sip of water. Bring all your medication with you on the day of the surgery and a little bag with whatever you feel you will need during that time. Leave your valuables at home.

(I need to find a way to smuggle in my laptop so I can post stuff to the blog)

Prior to the surgery, we will get an IV going and you will be offered some sedation to help you relax.
- No thanks, I already have a CD for that
- Pardon me?
- Never mind
(Lindsey is thinking: cancer is not the only condition this lady has...the mind is clearly affected)

- You don't have to accept the sedative, you can go into the OR completely clear-headed. We authorize up to two family members to be with you up until the time you are taken into the OR. Then they are welcome to wait around.
- Can I bring my two cats then?
- Pardon me?
- Never mind

- Ok, I think that this is about it. We need to draw some blood, and do a chest X-Ray. For that, you need to take this form down to XRay East which is just beneath us.

The form says: diagnostic test, Pre-Op CXR (Chest X-Ray) - Diagnosis: Cervical/Uterine Cancer.

After my little vampire session, I go down to XRay East to hand out my piece of paper. The lady at the reception puts a "PRE-OP" sticker on it and returns it to me.
"Now you need to go to XRay North. Do you know how to get to North?"
- I am confused, I was told to go to East.
- Yes, this is East, now you need to go to North.
- I see...Do you hand out compasses?
- Pardon Me?
- Never mind

I wait for another hour in front of "North" (it is close to 1pm by then and I am STARVING - my stomach is making all sorts of rock'n'roll harmonies).
An elderly gentleman whom I saw upstairs is wheeled in. He comments to the person who's accompanying him. "I really liked this doctor. She was hot."

Hilarious...

Upon reaching page 327, I get called in for the X-Ray which lasts for about 20 seconds and sent home with no further paperwork.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Surrogacy

I just had a chat with someone who went through a surrogate mother. It was also for medical reasons (another condition which increased the risk to the mother during pregnancy). The person I talked to was so helpful. She said that I could call her at any time if I have questions or if I just want to share feelings and emotions. She didn't have anyone to talk to when she went through this because she didn't know anyone who had used a surrogate mother and it would have helped her a lot.

- Prior to making the choice to go with a surrogate, this person struggled with the same feelings and emotions. "am I not turning my back on the most wonderful thing in the world?", "I won't be able to control the surrogate mother, what will happen to the child" ,"how much risk does a pregnancy really represent?"
- Her husband finally pushed her into this direction as he really did not want her to put herself at risk for a pregnancy.
- They went to a lawyer (who was infertile) and who now runs a practice to help women find surrogate mothers. This lawyer had a really bad time because nothing was set up right and decided to solve this for other women.
- Apparently, surrogate mothers are carefully screened and must meet at least these two criteria: not be in need of money so that cash isn't the sole motivation for doing this and have had children of their own and be in a relationship.
- Selecting the surrogate works like "match.com". The parents write a profile of their preferences (usually, no smoker, etc...), the surrogate writes a profile of the couple they want to help (for instance, has to be their first child, has to be a married couple, etc...). The "agency" then selects a list of surrogate that match the couple.
- The couple has access to a lot of information to select the surrogate such as "medical history, family history, personality/lifestyle, annual income, a photo and some 15 pages of information that the surrogate writes herself. Also info about how they feel about abortion (so if birth defects were noted during pregnancy, the mother and the surrogate need to have the same idea about what to do about it).
- Once they pick a profile (or several), they can meet the surrogate in person and have a conversation with this person. Usually, they ask some more questions and share concerns/worries/feelings.
- After the couple picks the surrogate, legal details are arranged through the agency and the medical aspect is handled by a fertility clinic. (usually IVF and insemination).
- After the pregnancy starts, apparently it's hard on the "biological" mother. In this case, they were meeting the surrogate only to see her pour herself a cup of coffee, or to find out that she would eat junk food. However, so long as really bad things such as alcohol, drugs and cigarettes are avoided, the rest seems to be ok in moderation. The fetus seems to be able to filter a lot of the bad stuff that comes from the mom. In this case, they chose to maintain a good relationship with the surrogate at the expense of control. They don't know how well/bad the pregnancy would have been if she had decided to carry the baby.
- Apparently surrogate couples are more careful with those babies than they are with their own because they feel an awful lot of responsibilities toward the parents.
- It took them about 2 weeks to find this surrogate mother (they picked the first one that was presented to them)
- In their case, they had twin boys, born prematurely (at 32 weeks), but now very healthy.
- The person was glad not to have been through a pregnancy in hindsight (and she doesn't even think about the surrogacy now, she really started to bond with the children after they were brought into the world) because a lot of people around her had a poor experience with it. She didn't have to worry about this and could spend a lot of time preparing for the arrival of the kids in her home.
- They (the couple) are still friends with the surrogate mother (this is rare apparently because of the tensions that arise during the pregnancy). They exchanged pictures on a regular basis. In a couple of weeks, the surrogate couple will come and visit to see the twins.

This was an extremely helpful call...Hard to tell how I feel about this...

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Play at a recital and recite at a play?

Hello cosmic powder friends,

My regular OB/GYN (who performed the first surgery, the -polypectomy) called earlier this week. She asked about the various recommendations. She seemed happy that I had some frozen embryos ready for the microwave, she talked to me some more about the surrogate mother program, tried to address some of my concerns there. She said that she couldn't really help me in terms of recommendations because cancer wasn't her specialty . She did say that getting pregnant wasn't worth my life, just in case this was the choice that I was facing...

My medical insurance company left me a voicemail on Friday. I just returned their call. It was to their customer service department and I got to speak with the sweetest nurse in the galaxy. She called me because the company got notified of my upcoming surgery and she wanted to make sure that I was OK, that I had all the information I needed, that I felt comfortable with my team of physicians and see if she could do anything for me.

They have special services to help patients cope with the stress of surgery (I am not in the least stressed, it's the only time when I get to sleep all day...). She asked if I preferred the CD or the cassette format for the "relaxation program" audio guide. I shouldn't listen to it in the car as it has a strong narcotic power. She will call me back one week after the surgery to make sure that I am doing OK.

How bizarre. This changes my view on insurance companies being an administrative hell, with a production line for every type of claim that randomly tosses forms as a yield management method. I am a little surprised as this is the third surgery I am having in the past few months (one as outpatient and one as inpatient) and I never received a call like this before. What's so special about this one? Do they do this only for amputations? Or have I finally become a national celebrity in the medical field?

Anyway, I guess it's always nice to receive a call from someone who wants to send you a CD.

I went to the Symphony with Nathan last night to listen to a recital performed by Murray Perahia. Some Bach and romantic pieces. I liked the emotion that he gave to the Bach pieces, although I wasn't a fan of his use of the pedal for those pieces. It lacked some of the purity that I would expect. The romantic pieces were phenomenal.

The day would have been just perfect if it wasn't for a stomach that got a little upset. All is fine again now.

It was nice to be out and renew with music. I haven't played the piano for the longest time (3 years I think) but I am still totally in love with music, and I could listen to Chopin all day long...Still haven't made a decision about next steps (eg. try most aggressive or least aggressive approach now). A friend e-mailed me "there is nothing more wonderful than the birth of your own child".

I haven't experienced this but I am tempted to agree...

Friday, May 04, 2007

Various medical opinions...

I asked oncologist #2 about the report that she sent me last time. Here's her reply. "Yes - the report I sent you was about BOTH the cone and the polyp. They will clarify that on the report"

Strange, so oncologist #2's team and the rest of the world doesn't agree on the type of cancer it is...This could explain the difference in recommendation as oncologist #2 may have been working off of a different pathology report...

Here's my reply
"Thank you. It may be safer to operate on the basis of the adenosarcoma assumption for treatment decisions - it also seems to be the opinion of the other labs. No change to the step-by-step approach though. Except that now, I am very very confused..."

Here's something that I am learning slowly...Doctors have no clue for diseases that have not been well documented. They are the ones with the expert knowledge, the ones with access to all this research, the ones that can understand the "CD14 positive" type phrases. Yet, they all have conflicting advice and opinions...Even on the diagnosis...

Opinions range from:
- low metastatic potential, so trachelectomy now, no lymph node removal, a nice little MRI if margins are clear in 6 months, then a nice little pregnancy, then a hysterectomy
to
- radical hysterectomy now, slice of ovary for biopsy, lymph node removal in the pelvic area, adjuvant radio and chemotherapies, scans every 3 months for the first 2 years, then every 6 months for 3 years after that, then every year. Addtl scans for lung and colon cancer on a regular basis.

This from a breast cancer survivor I talked to:
"From everything I've read and asked, the benefits associated with chemo and radiation outweigh the risks. On the other hand, I have a friend that had breast cancer and she chose not to have any treatment and she's doing fine. It all boils down to risk -- it's a guessing game and there are odds associated with every move."
Except that in my case, the odds don't seem to be easy to calculate...

And this from an oncologist friend:
"You have clearly been seeing/speaking with lots of people and it seems you have felt comfortable with them. Liking and trusting your doctors is so important when fighting "aliens." From the e-mails you have sent, it sounds like all agree you ultimately need a hysterectomy/node dissection, and that all would probably favor sooner, rather than later, given the "unknowns and uncertainties" of cancer. The latter point, combined with the "rarity" of your typically slow growing disease, and it's apparent early detection, has at least allowed your physicians to entertain your desire to have a child. Did I get it right? I did speak with my
gyn colleague, who pointed out what you already know.
It sounds like you have a well thought out plan for trying a trachelectomy with close follow-up."

The "slow growing" part is because the docs have removed the main tumor and will remove the cervix which is where they believe the most aggressive part of the cancer has taken residence today. However, when margins are clear, you don't know if it was removed. And after a while, they will grow real fast (when they become bigger. My tumor was ~ 4cm, and there are 2 numbers that I have seen in literature. > 2cm and > 5cm. So I guess it was in-between).

How am I supposed to handle this? Take the most aggressive approach, even though the side effects are probably more serious because in doubt, it might still be the safest option?
One thing is sure. A side effect of being diagnosed with cancer - especially rare ones - is a fairly constant headache.

I had three voicemails yesterday/today.
One from my insurance company with a number to call back. The message just says - this is not urgent and please call back this number. Strange. First time I ever get a call from them.

Second voicemail was from from oncologist #3. She doesn't feel like she can answer my "if I were your daughter what would your recommendation be" question because she feels that she would be overly biased and give me an irrational and inappropriate answer. She said that she would want to protect her daughter and be overly conservative. She believes in informing the patient and make sure that she supports their decision with all the medical knowledge she can bring. She thinks that I should be comfortable with my decision and do what I feel is right for me. She believes that I am aware of the issues and she feels confident that I will be able to make a good decision. She will make herself available to talk more about this if I so wish or have second thoughts about my decision (to zip through a pregnancy).

The third one was from my mom. She'd like to talk about when she can come over...which is the last thing I want I think. So I guess that I'll have to say that.

Anyway, let's focus on the essential for now: enjoy your weekend! I will!